Generally, carmakers see targeting a car at old people as a kiss of death, because they all crave that young, sexy money, they all want a youthful demographic to show off, even the ones that happily take money from old, rich people. It’s been this way for a while, and, really, it’s kind of absurd. Of course old people are going to want and need to drive, and they have pretty specific needs from their cars, so why not just design and build some cars that accept that and cater to them? Instead, though, we get insecure companies like Oldsmobile, already saddled with That Name, desperately trying to remind us that they don’t build cars for your dad:
Of course, Oldsmobile is long dead now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ask The Bishop to exhume their corpse and flog it by designing an Oldsmobile from an imaginary era where Oldsmobile openly and proudly embraced the needs of our senior drivers, gave them exactly what they want and need, as told to them by the geriatrics themselves, or, possibly, their concerned children. So, I feed this unsexy concept to The Bishop, let him marinate and stew and eat dinner at 4:30 pm for a few weeks, and them whammo, out pops this vision of an alternate 2004, where, instead of GM killing off the Oldsmobile brand, they pivot and finally really lean in to what the brand had been all along: old people cars. With this maybe not new but now official mission, Oldsmobile gets a new lease on life and releases its proudly elderly-targeted flagship, the 2004 Oldsmobile Saffire, A Car for Life:
Here’s how The Bishop describes it: So, the exterior is designed to generally blend in with modern cars, there’s no need for overt peans to the olds, like doilies or Werther’s Originals stripe kits or anything like that. In fact, the real action is on the inside, starting with how one gets inside, because, as you may have seen, the act of entering or exiting a car does not get easier with age. At all. So ease of ingress and egress is paramount, to the point where The Bishop mentioned this famous experiment in automotive entries, one that was actually worked on by a former CCS classmate of The Bishop: First, we position the car in the same place Oldsmobile always used to be. The buyers of this car..let’s choose fictitious 75 year old Stuart and Dolores Kahn from Highland Park, IL…could easily head down to Steve Foley Cadillac in Northbrook and buy that car they want, but CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THE GIRLS AT COFFEE AND AT TEMPLE WOULD SAY?? WE’RE NOT FANCY SCHMANCY TYPES, STU. So the Saffire gives them what they want..it looks like I traced over a concurrent DeVille/DTS and just added classic Oldsmobile nose and taillights…because that’s what it is…and honestly what the Olds 98 always was. You know how the 2005 Mustang was designed to look like a late sixties ‘Stang? This Olds would do the same thing but instead it would echo the looks of the dull-ass 88s and Cutlass Supremes the owners had during the Reagan years..but now in a more modern car. Underwhelmed with the styling? GOOD!! If you thought it was a slick looking ride I wouldn’t be doing my job.
Remember that? Very cool, and look at how easy that access is! Of course, it’s also wildly complex and would rightly terrify any old person who has owned cars and understands deeply and powerfully that complicated shit breaks and costs a lot of money to fix. And, you know, old people are on fixed incomes, though to be absolutely honest even though I’m at the cusp of Genuinely Old myself, I’ve never been clear on just what that means. Anyway, The Bishop has a solution:
If that’s not enough, The Bishop has also considered the issues when the person is inside the car and needs help moving around, help that the usual “oh shit” handles can not provide: The front seats swivel outwards just like they did on Monte Carlos of the Pet Rock era, and getting in back with those suicide doors is a snap. The doors could electrically close like on a Rolls or Tesla, but again let’s keep it simple. Instead, the armrests or part of the door panel would pop out when the door is open to allow passengers to easily pull them closed (almost like the arm on a rowing machine) and then would pop back flush when the door is shuts.
So, we have tactfully-hidden full-interior grab rails, which seems like it would be very useful, and The Bishop is just getting started helping old people settle into their car. I think this take on driver seat positioning is incredibly smart and would likely be great for a lot of elderly drivers:
The dashboard and instrument cluster is another point where there is plenty of room for optimization for older people, starting with big, clear typography, and The Bishop has carefully considered it all: Of course, radio is important to older drivers, not just for nostalgic music reasons, but also to receive nonstop propaganda from talk radio about whatever end of the political spectrum they need to currently fear or hate. Controls and display design is especially important here, as these are removed further from the main driving controls and the all-important windshield. Turn signal arrows are big, plus you can see the hood mounted turn indicator repeaters in the outside rendering. You would also have that already-used feature of the signal ticking changing to TICK TICK TICK or cancelling after 60 seconds of so. Note the available floor pedal that could be used to switch on high beams like in days of yore, or switched to be able to change radio stations or wipe the wipers while pressed…keep both hands on the wheel, Stu!! You can switch readings to metric, too, but what the fuck did we win WWII for??? A column shift because of course…not a ‘stick’ like my grandma would say (apparently an auto selector on the floor constituted a stick shift).
I also gave The Bishop a specific request, one that I think would be useful and also deeply unsexy: find a way to integrate supplemental oxygen tanks, and The Bishop delivered: Those climate buttons, by the way, are like the size of Tic Tac box…they’re fucking huge. Sure, there would be navi/multi-disc/Bluetooth/touchscreen options to replace this center stack, but I think they would be about as popular as an optional rear wing and Brembo brakes on this thing.
Even better! Build the oxygen system right into the car! They can carry their walking-around tanks in the trunk, and not have to worry about dealing with tanks when in the car, because the car has it all integrated. And, finally, the Saffire has one last old-folks-friendly party trick: the retractable Rascal carrier:
Look how clever! It can carry a scooter or help lift heavy things to get them into the trunk! Two important old-folk needs handled by one system! I’m not exactly sure how the retraction mechanism works, but that’s for GM’s fictional engineers to figure out! They figured out the 90° fan belt in the Corvair, they can sure as hell figure out this. I’m impressed by the imaginary Oldsmobile Saffire, and I’m now convinced that this sort of pivot would have made more sense for Oldsmobile than just killing the brand. I mean, this is still a very untapped market, and it feels like leaving money on the table to just ignore it. Some carmaker is going to come out with a car that directly addresses the needs of older drivers, not just with luxury or status, but with the actual, unglamorous but practical answering of specific old-people needs. Whoever does so will have a whole market to themselves, and be the go-to choice of 45 year old kids convincing their 78-year old parents what the last car they should buy will be. After all, I bet everyone reading this is in the pry-the-keys-out-of-my-dead-hands school of thought, right? We’re just thinking ahead. Also, where is the large strip of rubber around the entirety of the car’s perimeter, or is that bumper car bumper a dealer add on? Bose, old people who can’t hear, I see what you did there. 😉 So we’re taking current-gen accessible tech and retro-designing it to fit an earlier era of auto design? I’m saying this because all the stuff illustrated in this article exists today and doesn’t look much different than these illustrations do. (Except the oxygen thing, which is a horrible idea.) One possible problem with the no-pillar design is that some older people use an aftermarket gadget as a support handle for getting out of the seat. You put one end into the metal loop the door lock latches onto, and it provides a cantilevered grip as you stand up. Without a pillar there, this wouldn’t be possible. Maybe have a half-height pillar there, with a support handle that extends out when the door is opened. Maybe just work out a one-touch link up to sync the phone to the car? F##k one, marry one, kill one: Peppermint Lifesavers, Butter Rum Lifesavers, and Cinnamon Disks. Also, make sure the MSRP is under $20,000. My parents still think new cars cost $15,000. However, you could probably tack on an extra $25,000 and call it a luxury tax. If they question it, just blame the democrats. I guarantee at least 90% of midwestern geezers like my parents would accept that excuse.
