The lineage of Chrysler’s big flagship sedan is pretty impressive, when you think about it; a series of cars covering six generations and 15 years, from 1955 to 1970. After the limited-production 300 Hurst of 1970 (you can see that one above in the lower right, with the tasteful hood scoop) the 300 name really got debased, turning into the Chrysler Cordoba, which, of course, birthed the Genuine Corinthian Leather pre-internet meme:
Oof. So, here’s where The Bishop starts: what would a 1984-ish Chrysler 300 be if Chrysler had decided to at least attempt to keep the same fundamental character of those older 300s, but translated to 1980s design and technology? Here’s how The Bishop describes what he’s trying to imagine: Here’s the cars in the image he’s talking about: [Editor’s Note: This whole article is so damn random. I kind of love it. -DT]
He goes on to explain how he’d adapt the Dodge Aspen/ Plymouth Volare platform that would almost certainly underpin this car into something with at least a chance of pretending to be a performance car: An independent suspension rear subframe! He’s right, I didn’t see that coming. I’m also not certain I would have predicted how The Bishop thinks this could look, but I think I like it:
I think the front end treatment is pretty 80s-tastic, too, with pop-up headlights, of course, and also referencing the sinister front end of the 1970 300 Hearst:
It’s a clean look, with some of that 928 look about it, but also hearkens back, as The Bishop points out, this fastback shape is also reminiscent of the 1971 Plymouth GTX muscle cars, and I think I can see that:
But, really, my favorite part of The Bishop’s design is one of the details, which is this:
That’s a nice hood bulge over the throttle body fuel-injection setup. But that’s not the fun part! The fun part is that when you’re sitting inside the car, you see the back end of this scoop through the windshield, where it’s revealed by a raised section of the hood. And that back end of the scoop has this: Yes, lights and shit! According to The Bishop, here’s what we get: The dash itself would also be gleefully and unashamedly ’80s:
Lots of Chrysler parts-bin stalks, switches, HVAC, radio, and other controls. Maybe even the voice module from the New Yorker? The back seat area is important for a car like this, even if it is a two-door, because the sort of classy, attractive person that buys one of these is of course going to have people who crave being close to them, and you’ll need a way to ferry them around. Here’s how The Bishop is imagining the rear: Pretty classy! But there’s a more utilitarian detail I like even better, and that’s in the pretty massive cargo area:
See that little schematic diagram of luggage packing there? That’s an illuminated block diagram of the best way to package luggage into the car, with or without the requisite set of golf clubs. I’m not sure anyone would actually use this as a guide, but I love the idea of it.
Because The Bishop is a terribly thorough man, he’s also figured out a very clever mechanism for a multi-cassette changer for the stereo, and, even better, imagined not just what the fancy-ass leather-bound owner’s manual will look like, complete with instructional cassette and branded flashlight, but also imagined what the special, personal letter from Lee Iacocca would be like: “Congratulations on your purchase of our 1984 Chrysler 300, designed and engineered in America to simply be the finest grand touring coupe ever produced. We have taken every care to be certain that you will be pleased with your ownership experience of this extraordinary automobile. It is our honor to welcome you to the Chrysler family. Thank you;
Lee A. Iacocca” [Editor’s Note: This Bishop guy. The random stuff he comes up with — the fake letter, the sketches of the exterior and interior, the wacky ideas for cars to write about. Whoever this mysterious person is is a bit unhinged. He fits in well. -DT] Think thats enough? Guess again, because The Bishop fucking delivers. We also get to see the de-contented Dodge version of the same car, called the Minerva!
From The Bishop: So, what do you think of this extended reverie about a Chrysler that never was? Does it feel plausible to you? Would you prefer to have lived in the alternate reality where this exists? Would you want to be in that reality if I told you it also featured hyper-intelligent moths that would shout cutting insults at you as you passed? I’m curious to see what everyone thinks of this. Hopefully The Bishop himself will show up in the comments so you can address him directly, too. Thank you for this. Content like this is exactly why I have invested so many dollars in your business. Or would if you sold shares. Although, back in the 80s, my high school friends who were female referred to their time of the month as “aunt Minerva is visiting”. I assume they got that from reruns of Bewitched. So a car called the Minerva that could be owned by real aunts makes this article truly epic. And meta.
